The Devil travels by bus

It was one of the few occasions when I wished I was a Tweeter.

I was on the bus, and we passed the front of Primark, where two police cars were positioned like beached whales on the pavement, their lights flashing, right against the shop's entrance doors. Two girls of about 19 were sitting immediately behind me and one said to the other, in a thick, Sheffield brogue, "Eh up, someone's bought summat again." The mixture of spontaneous wit and social commentary prompted me to text details of this event to my wife, and then to another friend. My wife's phone was switched off. The friend, however, replied quickly: "Bus?!!! That's the devil's mode of transport!"

"But the devil has the best tunes," I replied, reminding him of Lucifer's fabled good taste. I also hear that the devil wears Prada, which only goes to confirm that he hasn't shared a bus with me for some time.

As I mulled over this brief event, it occurred to me how splendid, and funny, it would be if the public service bus really was the devil's favoured mode of travel. A bus's average speed is about 7mph (11kph) so Satan's progress around the world would be pretty pitiful, certainly compared to that of Santa Claus - although this would at least give him plenty of time to weave his evil web around shopping-weary city folk. So one might argue that Old Nick was not hell-bent on efficiency. On the other hand, his reputation for suave moves and musical discernment might lend a much-needed air of coolness and style to a maligned means of movement. "As seen in Hell". "Devil-Endorsed". "Black Magic Bus". The advertising slogans would come thick and fast, a bit like buses about 30 minutes after the rush hour has subsided.

This same bus trip was also a revelation for me on another front. Finally, after at least two years of being vaguely aware of the facility, I registered that the bus stop I was waiting at was inviting me to send its identification number in a text message, whereby I could get real time bus times. So I did. Initially I was confused by a list of 5 buses all bearing the same destination and shown as being "1 minute, 1 minute, 1 minute, 1 minute and 17 minutes away", respectively. However, when four buses arrived in convoy I realised the uncanny accuracy of the text service, and swore to use it regularly. Once I know how long it takes me to walk to a given bus stop, and I have stored the bus stop's ID number in my phone, I need never miss a bus again. So long as my phone has a signal, which it often doesn't.

Actually, my nearest bus stop is directly underneath a mobile phone mast, and next-door to a funeral parlour. So maybe the devil has also sussed how not to miss his bus.

I did once travel by bus through a housing estate in a New Town in Scotland, which I believe is where the term 'Godforesaken' was originally coined, and there were a number of people using that bus whose vitality was in some doubt. There is also the Greyhound bus in the excellent film Ghostworld, which may or may not be providing a shuttle service between this life and another. So maybe there is some mileage in this Devil-bus theory.

In any case, I'm a big fan of integrated transport. Wherever you're heading, missed connections are a pergatory best-avoided. As is the P&O Hull-Rotterdam ferry, but that's another story....

AW.